Glenn Beck Is The New Che Guevarra or Conservatism Has Become Rebellious

I've decided to swallow my pride and label myself as a liberal. I've spent most of my adult life going against the grain and giving the status quo the middle finger; basically saying "fuck the establishment". This was all well and good while the establishment was all old, white, conservative Christian men, people I couldn't stand. All the while I've also been against a monolithic and overbearing government, and therefore when the Tea Party movement began, I was in favor of it. Then Glenn Beck comes along, bringing his Republican fan-boys with him and shitting up the whole thing, with their uptight conservative Christian ideology (I know Beck's a Mormon, but let's not get in the business of splitting hairs). Naturally, I feel repelled by the movement, but I don't really like the Democrats, so I was left out in the cold. Then it hit me.
This is my time to shine. I'm in charge now. Me! I'm the fucking establishment. All those hippies that wanted to legalize pot back in the '60's and '70's are now in charge. These are guys whose opinions on social issues are lock step with mine: legalization, equal rights for gays, equal rights for other cultures/races/creeds, equal rights for women, pro-choice, you get the idea. They are running this country. Not the Bible humpers and Jesus freaks. So It's time I got over myself, and just accepted it. I've been fighting the establishment for so long that I never even thought about what I would do if I suddenly became the establishment. Sure, I'm going take issue with massive government spending and socially destructive social welfare. Yes, I will have to hold on even tighter to my right to bear arms. And yes, I'll have to get used to the idea of speaking a dead language as everything gets translated to español, and of course no more kick ass weapons as military spending gets cut, but that's OK. In a few years, I'll be able to charge the pious who love preaching at me with harassment and not have to worry about being put on the terrorist watch list for writing hateful things about Christianity.
Since liberals are now the establishment, then that leaves the Tea Party ultra-right wing as the rebellion. Glenn Beck will probably write a pamphlet entitled "The Conservative Manifesto" and start wearing a beret. He'll secure funding for a Revolutionary Army led by Joe The Plumber and Sarah Palin, and we'll turn into The Soviet Union, except we'll be Conservative Christian hyper-capitalists instead of demagogue worshiping communists. But that won't happen until I'm old, so I should enjoy the present, where we liberals ride around in pimped-out Toyota Priuses, snorting cocaine off of the waxed asses Phillipino transvestites. Fuck rebellion, now is the time for me to revel in the decadence of the establishment!

How to stop being a spineless politically correct twat, Vol. I

Political correctness is a bane upon our modern society and is destroying the richness and usefulness of language as we know it. Unfortunately, ignoring the protocols of the rules of political correctness can lead to trouble for those who don't possess the tact and eloquence to speak in an honest manner. The latest example of politically incorrect speech harming the offending speaker is Rick Sanchez's allegedly "antisemitic rant". Anyone who has actually heard the soundbite or read the transcript knows that it wasn't a Jew hating tirade, but rather just poorly worded.

Nonetheless, it was enough to cost him his job. Now, many media media insiders agree that he was fired because he's a piss-poor excuse for a journalist and CNN was just looking for any old reason to can his ass, and while that may be true, the fact of the matter is that CNN played the P.C. card to give this guy the pink slip. So what is one to do? How do you discuss the religion of of Judaism, the Jewish people, the State Of Israel, and all related topics without coming off as this guy?

This brings us to Volume I of my educational blog series: How to stop being a spineless politically correct twat. As previously mentioned, P.C. is a scourge upon humanity, and the only way to cure our language of this disease is to just stop it. First of all, one should test themselves for their level of "twatness". Are you offended by everything? Then you're probably a twat. Are you offended by nothing? Then you're probably a dick. And that's how people get offended: a dick gets under a twat's skin, and then all hell breaks loose.
In reference to the Jewish question (no Antisemitic pun intended), if one is offended by the word Jew alone, they are a complete fucking twat. What else do you call someone who practices the religion of Judaism, or at least is allegedly descended from one of the 12 tribes of Israel? A Semite? No, that's actually offensive, because you're lumping Jews, Arabs, Turks, Armenians, and Persians under one huge umbrella. It works the same way as confusing an Irishman with a Scotsman. They get fucking pissed!


Unfortunately, some people are complete twats, and there's nothing that can be done about them. It's best to just avoid them altogether, or if that isn't possible, remain firm and warn them in advance that you aren't going to bullshit them. Also, remind them that you're dead broke, so it would do them no good to sue you. So, how does one discuss Jews in polite company without coming off as a spineless twat? Keep the following in mind:
DO:
* Mention that you have Jewish friends (even if you really don't)
* Use the word Jew freely.
* Admit that you don't fully understand Jewish culture, and acknowledge that you're tolerant of their lifestyle.
* Tell priest and rabbi jokes (if they are funny)
* Joke that they're good with money.
DO NOT:
* Apologize for the holocaust
* Use the words "kike", "brew", or "himey"
* Use the word "Abrahamic"
* Tell priest and rabbi jokes (if they are not funny).
* Rant and rave about how the Jews allegedly control the finances of most major world governemnts
* Deny the holocaust
* Offer to serve any Jews in the room Kosher food (you don't know how to do it, so don't even try)
* Over sympathize with the Jews about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict by spouting off about "sand niggers" and "dune coons".
* Name drop Golda Meier, Albert Einstein, or Yitzhak Rabin to appear knowledgeable about Israeli/Jewish history.
By finding a good balance between tolerance and colorful speech, you can appear to be non-bigoted and like you have a pair of balls at the same time. Also, if you really do want to get along with Jews and not be afraid of being labeled an antisemite, get to know some actual Jews. They're not hard to find, actually, especially if you live in a large metropolitan area. They're actually very nice people, and don't mind being called "Jewish". L'Chaim!

I have rejoined the 21st century!